i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
