My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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