is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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