Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
