My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
