I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
