Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
