trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
