Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
