A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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