I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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