i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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