I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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