My boss' voice literally gives me gas
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
