I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
