come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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