literally had 100 drinks last night.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
