If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
