if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize