so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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