You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
