my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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