woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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