i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
