As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
