i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
