But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
