my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
