He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
