he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
