Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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