drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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