Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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