i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
How naked do you want me to be?
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