remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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