we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I stole a fireplace last night.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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