i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
There's always time for handjobs
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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