Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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