I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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