My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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