theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
