I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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