Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
