i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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