He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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