Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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