he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
