I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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