You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
