i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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