Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
