The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
