and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
