he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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