Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
